drink to the dead

So, somebody reminded me that I have yet to actually use this journal...Waste of paid account space.

Ok.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally, yet again. As of tonight, I realized I've officially failed my Anthropology class. And the funny thing is? I don't really care. I know that it's going to drop my GPA below a 3.0. I know that it's going to mean that I just have to work twice as hard next semester, and the semester after that, if I want to get the AA here, and then transfer to West Chester. Right at this very, exact, precise moment in time, though, I don't care.

The thing is, I was going to fail this class anyway, because I know that Ms. Fisher didn't excuse me for one of my absences when I was really sick. She pretty much was like, "Oh, that's nice," when I emailed her about why I hadn't been in class. So tonight, I weighed my options. I could go to class tonight, and keep going, and fight a losing battle, or I could give up, and concentrate what would have been wasted effort into the two classes I still have a chance of getting a high B in.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm saying, "Fuck it," and throwing my heart and soul into the last couple weeks of Lit and Creative Writing. I need to, too, because I still have most of my story to write, and I still have one more essay do for Lit. These classes are much more important to me. When I go to the advisor and talk about switching my major and finishing the requirements for my AA, those are the classes I'm going to need, since I'm majoring in English here. My hope is that, if I do well in CW and Lit this semester, when I go to the advisor, I'll find out that all I have left to do is tackle Public Speaking and Math, and a couple other stupid things like that.

Those things, normally, I can't handle. But if I knew that they were the only thing standing between me and a two-year degree, and therefore me and a higher chance of getting into West Chester, it would make them that much easier to stand. Just getting a grade doesn't really motivate me. We've seen that. Because I've never been motivated at school, no matter how many times I've told myself that I need to do better, so that I can keep my grades up. I just don't care.

What I do care about, is going to West Chester. It was so beautiful there. The thing about it is, it doesn't even matter that it's where some people I like live. That's like...that has nothing to do with it. When I first went up there, I was like, "Haha, that makes it kind of cool." But having been on that campus...? It doesn't matter. It just felt beautiful there. I don't even know what it was. It wasn't as strong as how beautiful it felt when I was alone in San Francisco (nothing will ever compare to that, that day I spent alone will forever be the most gorgeous day of my life), but it was something very close to that. And I thought to myself, If I could go here, it would ease the pain of not being able to go back to Frisco right away. If I could go here, I would be able to stand waiting until I go to get my Master's Degree, to go to the Academy of Art.

I don't know if anybody remembers how crushed I was when I made the decision that the Academy of Art College was too expensive for right now, given our situation. I really was. And the only thing that made me feel motivated again, that made me feel like I wanted to be in school, was West Chester. Sometimes I think that it was just the right time of year, just the right colours in the trees, just the right coolness in the air. Or that it was just that I was there with Courtney and my mum. But it wasn't, because the memory I have of the place doesn't really centre on them. It's just this feeling, like I could have walked around there forever and felt this great, perfect contentness.

I want to be back there. I know I can't get back to San Francisco any time soon, but I can get back to West Chester. My grades are terrible, I need to pick them up, and the best thing to do will be to stop wasting time, and just get an AA, then go to West Chester for my bachelor's, then Academy of Art for my master's. I keep thinking about what Larry said to me, on Danny's birthday. He said, "If you want to go, make every class you take count." And he said that he thought I ought to go ahead and finish the AA first. That'll help me look for better jobs, and it will help when I reapply to transfer. I wish I got to talk to him more. He's in England right now, working on some business deal that will potentially lead to the manufacturing and selling of Under Armor over in Europe. Woo. That makes me proud of him. Under Armor is good stuff.

Anyway. That's what I'm doing. My mum just came in here and was talking to me, and I don't think she's all that happy that I'm throwing away this one class. Seriously, though. When I get this degree put together, it won't matter anymore. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels right now. I hated this class to begin with. And she's not actually mad, nor will she stay dismayed for that long, so...I don't care. I'm old enough, anyway, that even if I do really fuck something up, that's my own problem. I'll have to figure it out for myself.

Is it stupid that I'm still kind of afraid of moving away? I love my bedroom. Every time I come in here, I think to myself how much I want to keep on staying here. I still feel like a kid. I don't feel anywhere near big enough to leave my house, or to not be goofing around with my brothers, or to not be sleeping in my bed, in my space, with my stuffed animals. To not be able to see my mum every day. I don't know. I just don't think, sometimes, that I'm as old as everyone says I am. I feel like I'm the same as my brothers, still. A little boy.

It's so nice outside today that I would be outside, being just that, being a little boy, were my car not at the dealership, and my skateboards with it. They're in the trunk. I completely forgot to take them out, before my mum took my car to go get checked up on. I don't really blame me, though, since it rained all night and all morning, so I couldn't have known it was going to be a good day for that, anyway. Not to mention, there are a thousand and one other people walking outside right now, and I would probably fly right into them and take out one of their dogs.

I switched shifts with Kelly, for Saturday. I managed to cut my shift by almost two hours, that way. Score. Normally, that wouldn't be good, because I need more money. But right now, with the way the staffing is, and the amount of business we're doing, I'd just as soon not be there, when I can avoid it. I can rarely avoid it, since everybody and their brother knows they need me. Sometimes I hate being needed. Anyway. I'm working 10-2, instead of 4-9:45. That should be about a thousand times better. Tomorrow, I work 10-3.

I could be really depressed right now. Everything is lined up so that I could be. Work sucks, I'm back to failing school, after repeatedly telling myself it won't happen again, I'm afraid my mum is irritated with me...Those are the things that normally make me feel terrible. But right now, I just feel like I don't care that much. Everything eventually sorts itself out. I'm not cut out for school. I think I'm just one of those people. It's been obvious for a long time, but at least I'm still trying. And I'm not going to give up, even if I do fail a lot of classes along the way. I'm not going to turn into Van Wilder, either, because I do have some shred of ambition. I know where I want to be. Even if it takes me forever to get there, I eventually will. I hope that my mum has some ounce of faith in that. Because I always have.

It's like a Red Hot Chili Peppers lyric. I'll make it to the moon, if I have to crawl.

Current Mood: crappy

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